Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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