Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
