Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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