I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
