my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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