Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
