tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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