The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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