Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
