Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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