I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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