How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
