I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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