I met the friendliest cop last night
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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