We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
