i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
