Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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