Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How does one acquire holy water?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
