Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She has the best kind of daddy issues
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
