Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
