his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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