My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
