Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
