U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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