i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize