She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
