Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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