Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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