ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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