Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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