he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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