I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
