Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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