I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
