I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
