so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
