I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im six kinds of drunk right now
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
