i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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