my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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