oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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