He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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