my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
