What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
