Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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