She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
