Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
