i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
