Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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