She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
