Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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