I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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