I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
