I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
