I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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