If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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