false alarm. still invincible.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
