You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
it glows. i had to have it.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
