Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize