Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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