Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
