I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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