everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
