why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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