Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
