fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize